The Legend of Zelda?
by The Anti-Franz
Summary: Link is called to save Hyrule, which is full of exploding Gels and ADVENTURE! Please read and review!
1. First Day

_First Day_

_You know, I'm a bit tired of these little ventures of mine. Here I am, minding my own business, (Playing with my coveted Moblin and Darknut action figures, of course.) when I'm suddenly slapped in the face, handed a shield, called "Susan" by an unknown force, and dumped into Hyrule again. Did I ever say I _wanted_ to save Zelda? It's not like anything will happen to her! Ganon just sits there in his little room until I get there. Can you believe the nerve of whoever keeps teleporting me here? And this shield is so tiny! It's like the size of a lamp!_

Link, sporting a manly green tunic, wandered around his little area of the map for awhile, getting used to not being able to move diagonally. It was a very frustrating experience for the lad. He did, however, stumble upon a hidden cave.  
Link stopped walking and stared at the screen.  
"Hidden? What are you talking about? There's a huge gaping hole in the wall!", said Link in agitation.  
"Hey, who are you? Why are you telling people what I'm doing?"

Link looked away from the screen, continuing on to explore the hidden cave.  
"Hey! Don't tell me what I'm doing! Who are you? What ar--"  
_Link looked away from the screen, continuing on to explore the hidden cave._

"**IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!**", breathed the Old Man wearing a brown robe, arms raised slightly in an odd pose, "**TAKE THIS.**" The Old Man had a very bald head and a large white beard. He seemed to be smiling.  
A brown stick appeared in front of the man, still posing and smiling. Link was still standing at the entrance. "Wait a sec, Old Man, I can't see the floor. Is there even a floor here? It's all black! Will I fall through? Doesn't black floor mean there's a hole there? Hey! Old Man!" The Old Man continued smiling at the scared youth in front of him. "Old Man? Hey, what's with the fire floating next to you? Isn't that a hazard? Well, I can't say you have much furniture..." The Old Man replied with a smile. Or was it a grin? "Hey! Old Man! Heeey! Are those letters above you flammable? Why are they all in caps? Heeey!"

Link continued to question the Old Man. The young hero refused to move until the Old Man answered him. Eventually, Link was frustrated, and started accusing the silent geezer of having the brain the size of an Octorok's, which eventually declined into insults thrown at the Old Man's mother and father, whom Link accused of being a Moblin and a Dodongo, respectively. Link did manage to conquer his paranoia and take the brown stick, but only to hit the Old Man with it. The Old Man responded by lighting our hero on fire, causing him to die a slow and painful death.

**GAME OVER**

"... You know what? I'm starting to hate this game."


	2. First Day Revisited

_The First Day (Revisited)_

Link awoke in the mysterious screen again, and was greatly confused at the mystery of the Old Man. Was it a dream? He wasn't holding a stick.  
"Didn't I just die? Let me go back to what I was doing!", pleaded the hero, just wanting to return to his delicate action figures, to experience the joy of role playing with small pieces of plastic. The hero realized again that he did not have a weapon.  
"If you're going to throw me into some unknown land please have the courtesy to hand me a sword or something."

Link looked away from the screen, continuing on to explore the hidden cave.  
"Wait, what?"  
_Link looked away from the screen, continuing to explore the hidden cave._

Link entered the cave a second time, not knowing what to expect.  
"**IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE**!", breathed the Old Man, bald head shining in the pixelated dungeon light, "**TAKE THIS**."  
The Old Man's eyes seemed to glint with madness.  
"Hey wait, didn't I already come in here?"  
Link realized that he had forgotten to save upon his untimely death!  
"What? Nobody told me that!", Link raged. He then dropped his conversation with the omnipotent voice in the sky because he was getting tired of explaining things (When does he ever get a break anyway?), and turned to the Old Man. The hero, suspecting the Old Man would kill him brutally with the stick if he didn't take it this time, grabbed hold of the stick and backed slowly out of the cave.

Link, now back in the area he'd started in, tested the sword.  
"Why does this thing suck so much? I can't-- ergh!!-- swing it!" The boy in green was fed up with only being to stab, and tried to drop the stick on the ground.  
"I can't--ugh!-- get it off my hand! Hey! I can't drop this thing!" Link eventually gave up, deciding that it must be stuck to his hand with super glue or something.

He ventured west, to find a bunch of hopping monsters otherwise known as Tektites. After slaying them all by poking them to death, the Hero finds a human heart, which was ejected out of the corpse of one of the jumpy monsters.  
"Eww! Awh, oh my-- What!? Is that a human heart!? Awhh!" Link decided he was going to give the heart a proper burial--  
"What!? I don't want to touch that thing!", so he touched the object, and tried to bury it. To the hero's dismay, the heart disappeared, though he felt more energetic.  
"WHERE'D IT GO!? OH MY-- DID I JUST EAT THAT HUMAN HEART!? AWH, WHAT THE--" Our protagonist proceeded to vomit violently onto the ground in a choking tirade against his normal standards of morals. One narrator would think that such a hero was wimpy; if you're not able to perform severe extreme secondary cannibalism, then what kind of man are you?


	3. First Day Later On

_The first day (Later on...)_

Our hero trudges onward, despite the human bloodstains covering his mouth and the similarly bloodied stick he carried... Somewhere on his person. The stick had a habit of hiding every time Link was not stabbing with it. He'd felt weary right from the start of this journey, but after a couple game overs, it seems he'd finally been refreshed. Journeying south, he eventually encountered a very stupid looking cave, single eye looking up, mouth agape in idiocy. Link stared at the dull witted dungeon with confusion.  
"Hey, uhm. You're not going to eat me, right?" The cave responded with a mellow gurgle. "Uhm... Right."

Link entered the mysterious dungeon, only to encounter many statues that seemed to be looking at something. He raised an eyebrow and wondered why there were all these odd stone things that looked like their were going to eat him. The brave Hylian went a screen to the left, only to encounter many Gels, the blobs that reproduced by budding or something.  
"Hyaa!", he yelled, the wooden stick thrusting through the air with a swishing sound. The stick collided with the blob and it exploded, launching out two other miniature Gels, which immediately scattered in Link's direction very swiftly, which Link found very unfair and frustrating. Link looked up.  
"Hey, it's life. I don't really mind it.", he spoke, even though nobody asked him for his opinion. Some people think Link should never talk, as all he says is redundant and, one might say, mind-numbing.  
"Well, excuuuuse me, narrator!"

Link fell some of the other Gels and claimed their inexplicably located human hearts, instantly devouring them upon contact. Anyone could get used to it, really. Link felt energized, ready for anything. He swung his sword at an incoming Gel, but missed. Luckily, a phantom sword that mimicked the look of his stick, erupted from the end of his weapon and slayed the Gel. All celebrated, including the Gels, wearing little party hats, drinking red potion in celebration of the marvelous shot. A dodongo was also there, but nobody cares. Dodongo is very boring and nervous at parties.  
"HOLY KEESE, WHAT IN THE GODDESSES' NAME WAS THAT!?"

Link ventured further into the dark dungeon, now aware of the mysterious weapon's ability to shoot blinking sticks at foes when he's full of heart.  
"NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT WAS THAT!?"  
'No, seriously, what was that?', sheesh, you give me a headache with your silly questions. Just venture further into the dungeon already.

Link encountered another slew of Gels, but decided not to destroy them all, because he felt merciful, and he didn't want more Gels to explode inexplicably fast from their original form. After going a screen up, he encountered many Darknuts.  
Our protagonist looked up to the orange clad warriors with a sparkle in his eye.  
"Hey! I have an action figure of you guys! I love them because they're really cool and they have the little sword and!... Are you listening to me?" Link was crestfallen; his action figure heroes were totally ignoring him, instead choosing to wander stupidly through the room.  
"Hey! Do you like collecting too? Hey!!" The knights either weren't paying attention to him or just didn't like the sound of his annoying voice.

Tears in his eyes, Link charged the Darknuts, stick in hand, in a slow motion run, which should stop soon because our cameras can only take so many frames per second. This is an NES game, not Crysis for the PC. Link stabbed forward, trying to pierce the armor of the Darknut facing him. The stick merely made a spark on his armor, somehow. I mean, really, what kind of wood makes sparks against things? Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that the Darknuts could only be attacked from the back or the sides. How annoying is that!? If I were Link, I'd punch the narrator right in the face and take his position safely from their unfair play, but sadly, the narrator would be too high out of reach, and wouldn't have enough time to help Link because he's drinking puréed hearts.

Mmm... Tingly...


End file.
